Life comes with it’s ups and downs. When we begin to notice our day to day life, we see that there are moments that we feel in control and there are moments that we don’t feel we have control. Our life can easily spiral down and get out of hand.

Controlling your life comes with the understanding of a basic truth. A truth that was taught by Epictetus almost 2000 years ago.

Some things are within our control, and some things are not.

An easy concept to grasp but harder to practice. The reason is that there are a lot of grey areas that we think we can’t control but we actually can. There are also things we are trying to control that are beyond our control.

Join me on this episode and discover how you can unmask your ego. Find the truth behind the things you can truly control. Why?

To regain control of yourself and your life every single day. Remember to ask yourself, “What can I control?”

Episode Notes

0:09 Intro
0:33 Heart of stoicism
0:45 Epictetus Quote
1:11 How can you take control of your life
1:13 Locus of Control
2:27 Perception of control (Grey areas)
2:58 Why is locus of control important
3:07 Results and Expectations
4:02 What can we control?
4:52 Our Approach (Meaning & Intention)
5:04 Rippling lake
6:10 Can we control the way we react?
6:38 Attaching meaning
7:12 How to reframe a situation
9:58 Different angle
10:17 Regaining control
11:17 Acceptance and non-judgement
12:24 Self-Efficacy
13:50 Being aware
15:18 How is this showing up in your life
16:34 Accept what you can’t change
17:18 Outro

Transcript

Welcome to Inside Treasures.

My name is Phoebus, and I love to challenge myself and those around me. For the purpose of growth, change.

By listening to this episode, you will learn how to find true connection with yourself, to love ones in the world around you, you will learn how to find stillness. A tranquillity within the house. We find meaning of control. The stoics were philosophers philosophizing about life. One of the great ones was Epictetus picked it to set, happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle.

Some things are within our control. Some things, not dishonor after you have faced up to the fundamental rule. Learn to distinguish between what you can and can’t control inner tranquillity outer effectiveness become possible.

How Can you take control of your life?

First time I stumbled upon this idea of control.

In university I was doing a course. He had a lot of psychological testing. Most of this will help you because you’re going to bring up so many different things that test about this thing called locus of control, a fancy name doesn’t mean means when I pick it said,

I feel better have control over something or do I feel that I don’t have control of something past a series of questions. On a scale of one to five how much control do we have over this, they would ask about politics, ask about the weather, they would ask about the clothes I wear those questions.

What am I really clear about the weather, I knew there was no way I can control the weather.

But I realized from that going back after what we had a review and things that I felt I didn’t have control. the teacher must challenge that.

So are you sure you don’t have any control over that.

You made me think, and it wasn’t only one. What tons of them made it clear was that the things that save us if we don’t have control but actually we do the things that we don’t have taught. We think that we do, like, controlling other people how they behave, what they say to us.

We feel control. Who easier for us to blame to complain to helpless to be dependent on others. So many things can go wrong for us. Just because we feel that we don’t have any control. Why is this concept so important and how can we use it to make our lives better. One thing to understand wrap our head around this results, it’s about our expectations.

I was in a meeting. A few months ago.

We’re talking about with a client. And there was saying a story about an athlete who wanted to win the gold medal. He said, This guy did not have any say whether he would get the gold medal.

In my mind, I want to know what of course he has control of because you can get the gold medal and he’s gonna make me think and maybe reflect and I was like, thinking that seen this so many times, and I’m still perceiving as a default, we have control over certain results. And we control. What we Yeah, we say definitively someone else we care about something can avoid or something will work out in our life.

Can we control, we can control example this after he was about to train it was about showing up for us it again it’s about showing up it’s about like doing our preparation, having an interview for a job we can guarantee we’re going to get the job. Can guarantees that we prepare for the interview, or we can guarantee is that we make the phone calls necessary to soar to Lions, if you will, we can make. Be with our controllers to start early so we can make sure we are on time, I started thinking I was late because the bus was late.

I’ve done these things, I’ve done them as well. This is like part of life. It’s very easy for us to think, but it’s not my fault the bus was late. We have a certain control. Most importantly about focusing on the process, focusing on our approach.

What do I mean by our approach, kind of tension that we put behind things, the kind of meaning we attach, how we react to things we can control. I want you to imagine throwing a stone in a lake. And then just observing those ripples putting up putting up, travelling across both reach the shore. How far is the shore, really matter but just imagine that stone fell in the water, and they created ripples.

Most of us the way we respond to that it’s like, oh no, oh no, oh no, it’s stone went in stone when we must take it up, we must take it up, let’s start paddling paddling, and we start throwing more stones, basically create an atmosphere of a water surface that’s upset full of ripples steady forward just to sit behind that stone, as it fell in created the ripples and allow those ripples to be as they were.

And we would see that the water very soon, it returns to its original state. This is how our mind works as well. can regain that sense of calmness about peace, this event happened, this is the way we’re behaving the way we are reacting. Do we have control over the ways we react says yes we do times that we might have impulses timestamp we might rush into conclusions there are times that we might say things very quickly. In general, we have control over the way we respond to pick the to send again. It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it matters.

How do we react. How do we think, kind of, meaning we attach to things kind of meaning, am I adding to this now, how to add an emotion, something happened to me. My checking this off the wrong way and twisting it around. Someone said something to me am I taking this too personally through Lego. Did I perhaps misunderstand what was said.

Meaning, make it up.

Some of it is like predetermined payout predispositions by our past, we still make it up and we can change it. We can reframe a situation, we reframe, we ask the basic question. What else could this mean. This is really true. I had the different meaning, perhaps having a bad day this person said this to me, they’d be having a bad day. Something bad happened to remember I went to a coffee. Again, not too long ago. The lady looks at me. She came to take my order. I wasn’t ready. She looked at me in a funny way.

Twisting on the side and thinking. How could she apply these things as I was having. And I observed observed myself and then I observed, I would call consumers tired, either to think of different meanings. At the end of the day, obviously had a really bad day. There were a lot of people demanding things from her that she couldn’t. You know, some pieces and ask for all sorts of things is even a step further, sort of thing. Maybe someone by their family.

I guess it can get crazy but which one is more crazy the fact that she looked at me in a funny way or thought I perceived it that way, or the fact that I’m thinking that he’s just having a bad day was someone that gave birth to compassion to give birth to compassion towards her.

And when she came back I was more open towards that I was happy I was more pleased with myself and with her. I will actually connect and relate with her. I didn’t even know her. I remove myself from that situation of being there being stuck having a meaning that doesn’t make sense. 15, meaning around. Never have changed the way she looked at me.

Maybe she didn’t look at me in a bad way, maybe it just reminded me or something like that. In the past, conscious comes in a mind is always trying to make sense of what’s going on around us, in other ways that make sense is that we attach meaning to things. We can challenge that meaning can change it. We can shift it. A new meaning, it doesn’t mean that it has to be true, because a lot of this is coming back.

It’s just like, but this is no true so why should I change like she should she did say something bad to me also to do to really look at me that way. Why should I let them be and let them go. bother, and begin to shift, meaning you’re willing to go into that. See how you soften up your ego softens up as you’re willing to go there with it and see it from a friend angle it a twist in outside of yourself outside of the situation in a third person perspective. Yeah. Doesn’t have to be true. Be willing to go in it.

What we find is that through this process of changing the meaning we regain control. The feeling helpless and powerless about everything that happened to us that was so terrible, should we change the meaning that we become more light hearted becomes more joyful. Because think about control. Pulling ourselves, versus controlling others. One thing we all need to forget it comes through the ego, controlling others expectations about others.

And sometimes the expectations we don’t even have for ourselves, but everyone has to match those expectations everyone has to walk in line, and they have to make sure they behave the way we want them to behave. Even if we never told them so you can see how this is unrealistic toxic and manipulative. This is the ego, showing up harms relationships. What can we do judging, we’re expecting the opposite of that that comes from mindfulness as well.

Accepting non judgement tempting things as they are. That is not about the people. It’s also about ourselves, accept myself as I am right here.

Let’s start with controlling ourselves let’s start with controlling emotions. And if it says a fundamental belief, an ideal. We strive to get to Greek philosophy was a lot about ideals, about kinds of lines, it was about principles that we can all strive to follow comes down to emotions and thoughts can I control them. Maybe I can control a lot of them. Some of them today creep up, and I’m not even sure where they’re coming from. If we get in with our belief, even when we don’t always get it to happen when we have this on the back of our minds.

Many times we fail, so I accept that again to make space for that to happen. We allow it to happen. We stay on the phone behind it, meaning we cannot do this. So we’re learning the learning, that’s completely fine. One more concept from psychology concept of self efficacy self efficacy is another jargon word. What does it mean about a person’s belief that we can accomplish a particular activity. Why do we need that belief that we can do something. Because when we lack that belief. It’s very easy to understand and see. Relax the belief lacks the control.

How can I control something that I don’t believe in. Because very difficult. Become passive, we become helpless. They’re all, there’s nothing I can do. Right. Can you do you think we lack control, because we like believe we would like confidence. Ask yourself to shift this around again command control. My intentions. The a lot of what we’ve been talking about for this episode about the things that we can control.

We said the things that we can need to be certain that the things that we say that we can we truly can think so we think we can count phone call with that as well have to be honest with ourselves, and it takes work, and he takes
the gold to more of a more, a more active decision because coming back into being aware and planning, what is going on, what is happening, can then leverage and work on our ability complex things, respond.

This is where self efficacy. We all are.

Summarize,

I think, ourselves, not others. Seeking acceptance and non judgement. Changing the meaning of things. Taking responsibility, how we react, how we feel. taking responsibility of the things that we can control. Because when we take responsibility. That is the moment when we become responsible for our own inner world, we regain control, and it’s Mary’s fault. When it’s our managers fault, don’t have control.

We’re blaming. We’re passive when we’re helpless, don’t have control. Again, I regained control this circumstance, and its meaning, kind of changed the way I react. And I think already feeling responsible about it. It means I’m taking control. We all need to take control and take hold of our inner world. It’s something we’re constantly failing.

And it’s something we constantly come down from, I want you to think how is this control thing showing up in your life, she shows up everywhere in relationships ourselves with others. The world circumstances for things that are happening.

And you do to be more sensitive, you uncover those things that you can’t control how can you uncover those things that you can control things that you feel you have no control, but actually you have control you overcome that lie that perception that your self is telling you there’s nothing I can do better challenge every single thing that you feel you have no control of the variables, no matter how small then exert self control.

That’s the meaning or something that you can do as we have to become aware. And we can do something a little bit of control, to be control freaks. This is about us, how we feel about us, controlling everything. Set this new truth that you have the ability to respond. Cool. Control responsible. No, it is within your beach, and control things you can control it first, is it true that I can control this.

There’s something that I’m missing out on accepted is exercising control because you’re getting hold of how you react to these things that you can control. Practising non judgement acceptance. Begin to accept things we open up blossom room for ourselves and others to just be be real, or false, the minute we do that, those things begin to diminish. Ever so softly, ever so effortlessly. At ease, like a candle is so soft. So, gently.

The best years of your life, are the ones in which you decide your problems or your own, you do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president, you realize that you control your own destiny. – Albert Ellis

Please share this podcast with anyone who you think may benefit.

Until next time, let peace guide your life, love guide your heart and reason guide your thoughts

Photograph by: @zhangzui