Understanding your needs
Did you ever wonder,
Which human needs drive your behaviour?
When your personal needs go unmet, how does that take you out of balance?
What are the things that you usually do that fulfil your needs?
Join me on this episode to get a deeper understanding of yourself.
All the theory around our human needs has been amazing to share. The truth is, if we stay on that level of theory, then it won’t be of much use to you.
I dedicate this whole episode to you. To help you find which needs are important to you. To find the needs that light you up. The ones that make you come alive. And also the ones that make you feel “dead” inside.
As we discussed before, it is about understanding ourselves, catering for our well being. Understanding the reason we often behave the way that we do.
1:03 Which human needs are important for you?
1:49 Understand yourself
2:31 List of human needs
4:13 What are your top 3 needs?
5:13 Question 2
5:13 Prioritise your needs
6:35 Why are these needs so important?
7:51 How do you usually fulfil these needs?
8:34 What happens when your needs go unattended?
9:30 Which one of your main needs requires your attention?
12:48 What do you need to do specifically to meet your need?
13:28 Discovering ourselves in a deeper level
14:05 What need does this positive behaviour fulfil?
14:21 What need does this unhelpful behaviour fulfil?
14:33 Flipping unhelpful behaviours
15:59 What did you learn from this?
16:41 Find fulfilment in everything that you do
17:03 Make the unconscious, conscious
We spend the time in the last couple of episodes talking about the needs and the different angles that we’ve seen need and human needs and the kind of things that we need because it’s human needs.
It’s what are we trying to get out of this? The whole point is part of his awareness, part of his awareness for yourself and for other people.
But most importantly, I want you to get to this episode because on this episode we get to identify what are the things, the needs, the emotional human needs that they are vital and important for you.
Because not all of them have the same weight for each person. Some of them have more importance than others. Welcome everybody to another episode from Inside Trousers.
My name is Phoebus and I love to challenge myself and those around me for the purpose of growth. This podcast is about helping you to heal, to change, and to grow. This particular episode is about you understanding your own individual needs, the one that you should be prioritizing and living by.
And for that reason I’ve created a little PDF and exercise that you can print out and follow along with this episode. You can find this on our website so it will be https://www.insidetreasures.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Understanding-your-needs.pdf
You’ll find this in the description in most of the services, so you should be able to find it and download it because you can just go ahead and spend this time with the worksheets to actually reflect and sit back and figure out what is really and truly important for you, what is important for you and your well being? What are the things that you need to prioritize? Where are you lacking your attention? And perhaps you should put some more attention in order for you to feel better.
Like I mentioned, the whole point of the exercise is for you to get to understand more of yourself in a deeper level. Because many times we get upset, we get sad, we get anxious, and we don’t really know why.
We feel lonely and we don’t know why. Knowing your basic emotional needs will help you to navigate through uncertainty and to navigate through your life.
Because as you go along, you’ll know what are the things that you need to do in order for you to fulfill yourself. And if you’re not feeling fulfilled, you know what to look for on the side of what’s missing.
And then by knowing what’s missing, you’ll be able to change that and allow it to serve you. In other words, it will help you to improve your wellbeing, the way that you feel within yourself.
For the last time, I’m going to go through the human needs. When you look at the worksheet, it will say right at the top the human needs. And they’ve been grouped in a way that I’ve explained them in previous episode, but it’s for you to kind of have as a guide. The order is not important.
I’ve just put them in the way that they just come through. The grouping is important. Usually what that means is that they’re probably synonymous or very closely related in meaning and what’s behind them.
That it has the same importance as the first word. When you go through the exercises, I want you to think actually which word actually means more to you? Because we might speak about security as being a need. But for you, it might be trust, it might be relief, it might be control.
Choose the one that will be most important from the category. Like I said, this episode is about finding your specific needs for you, that they serve you. They’re all important, but some of them will be more important from the rest. So let me go through the need one last time.
So we have security, certainty, safety, trust, belief, control, faith, safety. That’s part of the spirit of security. The next one is about change, uncertainty, variety, adventure, danger, diversity, variation, development. The next one is about importance and significance, achievement, competence, influence, relevance, value, sense of status.
The other one is connection, love, belonging, contact, attention, intimacy, network, affection, being appreciated, feeling passionate, being part of a community, feeling a sense of autonomy, feeling a sense of control. And we have Privacy. We have fulfillment, purpose, growth, contribution, meaning, and purpose. As I went through this list, some of them might have stuck out for you. Notice which ones did stick out for me.
Go through the workshop and find out which is the one that really matters to you the most. I want you to think of it in the sense that if I could only choose one of these needs, which need would I choose? So I want you to make that choice now. And if you’re following along with the worksheet, just put it as number one. Take some time to think of that.
Go through the list again. Which one of those needs would actually want to choose if I could only choose one? Once you’ve done that, choose a second one. And lastly, choose a third one.
Go with whatever comes from your hunch, whatever comes with your gut. What is it that really sticks out for you? When I’m saying what’s your most important human need? What’s the one that sticks out? And then do that two more times and you have your top three most important needs.
Yes, it’s that simple exercise. Number two is about you prioritizing your needs. So now you have the sense you probably already have prioritize your needs in one way or another. But I want you to actually go and filter through those needs one more time.
So I want you to compare one with the other. So for my example, I’m going to use security, connection, and Privacy. I will say that these are my top three needs. What’s more important for me? Is it security or is it important? I’ll say security. Okay, so I’ll put a point on security.
Then the next one, is it security or is it Privacy? I’ll say security. So I’m going to put another one next to security. So this means that I value security over importance and over Privacy. Then we follow along with the second one. Which one is more important? Is it important or is it Privacy? I’ll say it’s important. So there we go.
Now I have my list of needs prioritize. I know that I want security, then I want importance and then I need Privacy. It’s the same way I have them perfect. The point of this part of the exercise is for you to identify what is the true hierarchy behind your needs.
For me is love, connection, and growth. And I know these are the kinds of things that lead me. These are the kinds of things that help me to be at my best. Question number three. On this one, we’re going to go a little bit deeper with the needs that we have to identify.
Why do you consider this so important to you? Why are they so important? So take your number one need and say the reason this is important for me is because you find your own reason.
It’s about finding your own answers. It’s not about me giving you an answer. I do that for the top three needs. Why are these needs important? Then? I want you to think on another level.
I want you to think of who prioritized those needs in your family, whether it was your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, your uncles, your aunties, your careers. Who was it in your family that prioritize those needs? This will help you to see that also needs.
One thing is like they are specific to us and the difference in the way that we relate to the needs, but they’re also being passed on. We have the usual nature nurture dilemma going along. Some of it is within us.
It’s our own values that we value. And it might be different than the one of the people around us, but some of them you’ll notice that actually, oh, so my mom did this or my dad did this and this and that, and that’s why I value those things. Question number four.
What can you do to make sure that you fulfill these needs and you never let them go unattended? What are the things that you usually do that feels that emotional need? To answer that four is one of your top three needs and you could say one to three.
You could say a few things. What are the things that I usually do? All the things that usually happen that help you to feel fulfilled, that this need is being met? For example, connection can be spending time with friends, spending time with my family, going on a date with our spouse.
This will help you to think and understand what kind of behaviors you already do. That help you to feel like that need is being met. What happens when you stop feeding that need? Complete the sentence. When I stop looking after connection, for example, I feel lonely and sad and disconnected.
So think about it. What happens when you stop having those emotional needs met? What is the result? How is your whole system react? How do you feel? What are the kinds of thoughts that you’re having when your first need, second and third needs are not being met? This is important to understand because we figure out what is the value that we’re placing.
What is the impact when we’re not looking after our own needs? What is the impact in our well being? Because the whole series of these needs has been around us understanding what impacts our wellbeing.
So this is super important for you. Next question is which one of these needs goes unfulfilled at the moment? Which one requires your attention? Think of your significant needs. First and foremost, the ones you listed.
But if there’s one of the rest of the needs that kind of like comes back and bites you, then it’s probably a sign for you to pay attention to because either it might not be as important or it might be important a specific scenario. It might be important on what you’re struggling with, but mostly try to focus on the first three needs.
Is there one of those needs that requires my attention that I haven’t been giving my attention to that is there something lacking that’s affecting my wellbeing that I want to spend more time with to understand for myself? Now I want you to think, what makes you feel that way?
What makes you feel that this needs go unmet? Is there proof in that? Is there something specific that you’ve seen that you’ve noticed that you’re aware of the proofs that this need is being unmet? Now I want you to think, what’s your part in this? What part do you play? How do you keep this need from being fulfilled? It’s not about blaming ourselves. It’s about taking ownership.
Is this something that I’m doing that keeps me from getting that needs fulfilled? For example, am I craving connection and love, but instead I’m pushing everyone far away from me with my behavior?
Is there something there for me? So what is it that I’m doing that keeps me from having that needs fulfilled? And of course, from now we can get what could I do to actually stop taking part in this and actually enable myself to get my needs met? So what is my part in this? How do I keep this needs from being fulfilled? Is there any proof that contradicts my view?
Is there anything that actually States the opposite? So am I thinking that I am disconnected but actually I am surrounded with people? Is it that I feel that there’s no intimacy with other people, but actually I’m being filled with love around me but I’m just not noticing because I’m noticing a specific part of that. This is about drilling holes in how we view the world and also paying attention on the things that they’re there that we miss.
Because we focus on things that they are partly there but actually are not as important. We magnify them. How can you prioritize this need? How can you make this need a priority so that you get to fulfill it? And if that need was adequately met, what would change? What would change for you? And then of course, you can go in different directions with this.
Would this change if this happened? Could I get this without actually focusing so much on my need? Is it a matter of, for example, being loved or is about loving myself? And if I know that I can love myself, then either climb meet my needs, then I don’t need anything from the outside.
So I got everything that I need on the inside. What do you need to do or usually do in order to feel that your basic needs are being met? For example, I need to spend more time with myself. I need to speak more kindly to myself. I need to go outside and exercise.
I need to just get away, go on an adventure and just again spend time with myself or I need to spend time with loved ones. Really, I’ve missed connecting with other people, so especially with the pandemic. I really need to go out there and connect for me to feel connection, love.
Think about those things because they’re important. What do I need to do? Or what needs to happen in order for me to feel that this need is being met? Or what usually happens that makes this needs to feel met? The next part of the works is about us understanding ourselves more and examining ourselves. Our actions are being driven by a desire to fulfill our needs.
Do you remember we mentioned that in the previous episode? Sometimes this behavior are constructive and other times they are destructive. For example, when I create a podcast, all my needs get fulfilled, except that for Privacy. But it gets so fulfilled out of it that it doesn’t really matter.
So what are the kinds of things that we do that actually feed into our needs in a good way, constructive way, or in a bad way? Quote unquote in a distracted way. So think first of a positive behavior.
Think of a behavior that you consider to be as beneficial for you. Think of one, keep it in your mind, and then think, what need does this fulfill? Or what multiple needs does this action fulfill?
Or this editor or this experience? Nothing of a behavior that you consider unhelpful. Which need does this behavior fulfill? For example, I’m getting angry. It’s my need to control. Other people might need to be more certain. Okay, cool. So you take this and you think my behavior is getting angry.
The need that it fulfills is the need for control and certainty. And then you ask yourself, how can I better fulfill those needs with a positive attitude and behavior? What can I do instead? How can I react instead that I feel a sense of control, that I feel a sense of certainty? Because that’s what I’m looking for. Getting angry is kind of the result.
But actually for me, for example, I don’t like getting angry, so I need to feel control. And suddenly how could I get to feel control without trying to control other people, without letting them know what they need to be doing or not doing and what I like and what I don’t like, which is beyond me, which is beyond what I can control.
So think, how else can I fulfill this need? What other things can I do? How else can I react? It will fulfill my needs and it will help me to express myself, to say what’s beneath and also for me to feel more in control and more certain.
When this thing happens, what does it teach you? For example, the need to control might be teaching me the art of letting go, the art of trusting. It’s usually paradoxical, and I want you to take note of that. It might be something that happens. The more we need to control, the more we try to control.
But the truth is, the more to be able to feel in control, the more we have to let go, the more we have to allow trust. Accept. Lastly, I want you to think from this whole exercise, what have you learned? What is it that you want to remember? Think about that.
What have I learned about myself and the people around me? Is there an action I can take as a result of the insight? Is there something that I can start doing more? Is there a specific need that I need to look after? Is there a specific need that is so important for me that actually I need to do my best in order for me to be able to constantly meet Danny.
Do I just need to come to terms with things? Do I need to stop tolerating things? Do I need to just change, learn to find fulfillment in the things that you do, work with, family, with yourself. Make sure that what you do on a day to day basis feeds your emotional needs.
Because if it feeds your emotional needs and directorly, you’ll be feeding your well being. Indirectly, you’re going to be feeling great. As Carl Young said, until you make them conscious. Conscious.
It will direct your life and you will call it faith. This whole exercise is designed for you in order to bring whatever is behind underneath in the unconscious and to make it conscious for you to see. And instead of living by fate, you get to live by choice and you get to choose the things that you do consciously that will help to meet your own needs without having to wait from things from the outside.
But it’s about you taking control and living the life that you want, looking after your needs and of course looking after your wellbeing because it is within our own hands to look after ourselves, to take care of ourselves. And of course when we do that, we’re more well equipped to do the same for other people.
I’m here to help you heal, change and grow. If there’s something that resonated with you, something that you need help with, give me a shout or reach out on Instagram at @insidetreasures.
If you found that these messages useful and insightful, share them with your friends, with your loved ones, allow those messages and the wisdom that comes through them to spread to those around you because you never know how it will impact them and you can share with them how it impacts affected you. Thank you for tuning into another episode from Inside Treasures my name is Phoebus and until next time, my friends, let peace guide your life. Let love guide your heart and reason guide your thoughts.
Photograph by Larm rmah
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